Years ago while recovering from burnout, I enjoyed a few days away on a personal retreat. Sitting alone, I listened to the recorded music of a soloist singing: “God is in love with His people. God is in love with me.”
Tears filled my eyes. For a woman who doesn’t cry much, this surprised me. My soul empty for so long, filled with fresh hope. Yet my next thought threatened my newfound contentment: “But is this true that You’re in love with me, Lord?”
Returning to my room, I searched for affirmation. Then I read, “The Lord appeared . . . saying, ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love’” (Jeremiah 31:3).1
“It is true,” I whispered. “God is in love with me.” I remember praying: Lord, help me continue to believe that You’re in love with me even when my mind and emotions insist otherwise.
This Week During a Personal Retreat
Last weekend I took time to go on another personal retreat. (I’ve come to appreciate these get-away times.) Before I arrived at the retreat center, I met with a spiritual director and shared my longing: to feel God’s love in addition to knowing it. (Yes, it’s very similar to that long-ago desire.)
She listened and we chatted about the push/pull I often experience in each area of my life: work, self-care, relationships, service, dreams, spirituality. We talked about the almost constant the tug-of-war I experience between the fast-paced/goal-oriented side of my personality and the reflective/slower side.
She said something like, “You don’t have to fight this push/pull, Joan. It is a part of you. Talk with God about that and then listen for His responses.”
I acknowledged and felt a myriad of emotions during my retreat (yes, that was smile-able progress for me.) During an agitated time, I prayed, “What do you want, Lord?”
“Nothing right now, Joan. I don’t always want something extra. You’re the one who always wants something more from yourself.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“So take a nap, Joan.”
“Uhhh, okay, Lord.” My shoulders relaxed; the agitation waned. I felt cared for, listened to–and loved. Like God wanted my needs to be met. Ahhh.
The next day when the agitation reared it’s head again, I didn’t berate myself–and neither did the One who is indeed in love with me.
So here’s a message for all you who long for God: God’s in love with you, too.
Consider planning some time for a private retreat or a few hours away from your normal schedule to connect with yourself and God. If you’d like to dialogue about how, when, where and why to retreat, send me a comment.
Here’s a few photos I snapped during my retreat this weekend.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Joan,
This is wonderful. I love when God just shows up like that. I’m glad you found rest and care during your personal retreat. I like that you write about the times you hear his voice inside.
Not everyone in my circle knows how to hear that – or recognizes it perhaps, so I like it when other women talk about it because it happens to me too. It’s not that he doesn’t speak, we just don’t practice listening very well.
I have that very same push/pull. Those same conversations, those same wonderings. Thank you for writing about them.
Blessings,
Deana
Hi Deana!
Thanks for your encouraging and understanding comments here. It would be fun to meet face-to-face someday! I’ve so enjoyed reading about your journey and life in your blog/s. Thank YOU for sharing.
Did I hear that you went on the Muse Cruise with Vicki and her sis? How was your time there?