Has anyone ever said to you, “You’re such a perfectionist!” or “Who died and made you God?” Perhaps you’ve mumbled something similar when dealing with a demanding co-worker or loved one. But what is perfectionism?

One dictionary defines it as “a propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect.” Yet a practicing perfectionist may not always demand straight A’s, refuse to leave the house if the bed’s not made, or endlessly edit a report. Perfectionism is more subtle than that. It’s about unreasonable expectations – how we berate ourselves and others (silently or aloud) for having human (decoded as “weak”) thoughts and emotions, inconsistent commitment levels, or average accomplishments, bodies and relationships.

When we try too hard to make ourselves, our jobs and our families “just right,” we get overly stressed and bone-tired. Who needs that? Relief is possible. It’s a process, but we can reduce our self-sabotaging behaviors by:

Realizing that when we fall into the “trying too hard to make it just right” trap, we believe a misconception: That people, projects and circumstances have the capacity to be perfect (or “just right”).

• Acknowledging that when we adhere to this misconception, life becomes a persistent disappointment.
• Recognizing that this mind-set increases our anxiety and sabotages our relationships and dreams.
• Changing our unrealistic expectations to believe the truth: Human beings, organizations, and even our accomplishments do not have the ability to be flawless 24/7. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful! Only God is perfect!

If you doubt that you’ll still be able to reach your God-given goals, become an excellent employee, succeed as a parent or grow spiritually when you relax and release your unrealistic expectations, check out next week’s blog. (Hint: There IS a difference between partnering with God for excellence and operating in perfectionism.)

Just wondering here: Do you ever get tired of trying too hard to make it all just right?

I adapted this article which I originally wrote to be published by Genius Avenue Inc., copyright 2011.

I’m a walking zombie. I remember thinking and voicing these words after months of awakening with a crying, hungry baby up to seven times a night. I also recall feeling rather alone and wondering if anybody was listening. I never dreamed I’d be so tired.

Even in my exhaustion, I knew God was with me. I believed my zombie days wouldn’t last forever—and they didn’t. So when I read Krista’s email about her new-mommy days, I identified.

I’m Still Here!

“’When my son was a baby, he went through a phase like most babies do, where he would become distraught if he couldn’t see me,’ wrote Krista. “I’d walk into another room, and he’d cry. If I walked behind his bouncy seat where he couldn’t see me, he’d wail.

“One day while busy trying to finish some chores, it happened again. I moved out of view and he cried. When he couldn’t find me, he screamed louder. I felt sad for him. ‘Honey, it’s okay,’ I said, ‘I’m still here. Just because you can’t see me, doesn’t mean I left you.’

“I gasped. Oh, my, that’s what God is saying to me. Suddenly I felt the love and nurture of my Heavenly Father. He assured me that even when I didn’t see evidence of His presence, He was there.”

Jesus and His Mom

While reading this story from my newest book, Nourishment for New Moms, it occurred to me that perhaps Jesus’ mother Mary got tired and overwhelmed while caring for her new infant. After all, she was probably only a teenager when the angel told her that God had chosen her to deliver His Son. At first her fiance didn’t believe her. Others probably ridiculed her. She didn’t have a warm bed on the night Jesus arrived. Being married was new. Being a mother was new.

Yet, Mary believed her Heavenly Father. She didn’t try to do it all and make a big splash as the chosen mother of Immanuel (a name meaning God with us!) She could have, because God did give her this once-in-an-eternity role. But the Bible says she quietly held all these incredibly mysterious happenings inside her, cherishing and trusting. What are you believing and cherishing this Christmas season?

Have leftovers from that delicious Thanksgiving dinner? If you’re like most families, the answer is probably “yes.” So you’ll be coming up with creative ways to continue to eat and enjoy that leftover turkey and mashed potatoes. Sandwiches? Barbecue turkey, turkey omelets, fried potato cakes? Soup?

Speaking of soup, remember the alphabet soup you ate as a child? Now follow me. It’s the way my mind is working this late Thanksgiving night! Here’s a creative way to keep enjoying your family’s Thanksgiving gratitude-spirit this season–with some ALPHABET PRAYER SOUP.

Moms, Dad, Grandparents, Aunts, involve the kids in making and enjoying this special soup. Maybe when you’re cooking in the kitchen, riding in the car, walking to the park, or tucking them into bed. Explain that you’re going to make some leftover Thanksgiving Alphabet Prayer Soup.

Take turns naming something that you’re grateful for starting with A and proceeding through Z. Example of how to begin the prayer: God, thank You for the:

A.       Air we breathe. Apples we had for lunch. Animals. Artwork I did at school. Aunt ________.

B.       Bird. Bananas. Books. Bike. My bed.

C.       Clouds. Courage. Christ.

D.       Duck in the pond. Dishes. Daddy.

E.       Evergreen trees. Electricity.

F.       Flowers. My friend ____________.

G.       Gas for the car. Grace. Grandpa. (And so on, through the entire alphabet, as you have time. Be gentle with yourself and your family. Skip a letter if you can’t think of anything.)

Watch your heart flood with gratitude as you enjoy this creative prayer tool with your family. Maybe you’ll want to make this Alphabet Prayer Soup often throughout the year to keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive and well in your home.

Okay, now it is YOUR TURN. Enjoy a little Alphabet Prayer Soup with me right here on the blog. What are you grateful for that starts with H, I, J, K, L… Well, you know the rest of the alphabet.  I’m looking forward to your THANKSGIVING ingredients.

Sitting in my overstuffed chair, sipping chai tea and chatting with God.

G’ Morning, Lord! You are the same today as You were yesterday, last year, and eons ago. And You’re the same as You will be a million years from now, although TIME as we know it will probably be gone by then. I would think so. Yet I don’t know that for sure. Only You know that.

You, Father God/Jesus/Holy Spirit don’t live in TIME. I do. All we humans do. TIME is your idea and gift of protection, structure, and organization for us. You let us choose how to use this gift. You give us this privileged responsibility.

Thank you, Lord, for the confidence You place in us and the respect You show for us. You amaze me.

Recently I received a surprise email from Lorri Allen, journalist on staff with Family Life Radio. We connected at a lunch meeting and have been email/Facebook-chatting ever since.

Yesterday when Lorri and I met for lunch (yes, again–hey, we both enjoying eating!) she gave me a copy of her new book, It’s All Good News: Encouragement for Every Season. I liked what I read, so I asked her be my guest blogger today. If you’ve ever felt like an outsider (I certainly have!) I suspect you’ll identify with Lorri’s story.

“It was the Williams reunion, and I was having a ball. I was related to all these nice people I’d never met before. They were courteous, giving, godly–and great cooks!

“As an only child who moved from school to school, I had always felt like an outsider. But this day, I belonged. I was part of the club! People here knew the grandfather I never met when he was a young, handsome war hero. People here were taught in school by my grandmother. They liked me not because I was the speaker, the writer, the boss, the journalist, or the wife of a moviemaker, but because I was family. In fact, they didn’t even seem to care what I did. . . only about whose I was.

“Heaven will be that way–the biggest and best family reunion ever. We will be members of the only club that really counts. We won’t feel like lonely outsiders. We will belong. We will love and be loved. We will be important not because of our job titles, accomplishments, or who we married … we will be important because of whose we are.”

When you get tired of hearing all the bad news, read Lorri’s 1-2 page stories/devotionals and you’ll walk away encouraged. You can buy It’s All Good News on Amazon or at her publisher’s website by clicking here. Find out more about Lorri on her website www.lorri.com.

So, I’m wondering: when have you felt like an outsider? And what’s it like knowing that you’ll be one of the “in-crowd” in heaven?

According to the National Headache Foundation (NHF), over 45 million Americans suffer from various types of recurring headaches. Doctors report that the majority of these headaches are tension-related. The NHF suggests that “learning to live one day at a time” may relieve anxiety that contributes to the pain and inconvenience of muscle-contraction headaches.

GUEST BLOGGER: I’ve invited Jesus, well-known speaker/teacher, artist and savior of the world to be my guest blogger today. He recommends a similar philosophy which he highlighted in one of his spontaneous presentations and reiterates here:

AZ Desert Flowers near Canyon Lake

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers…don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax. …Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. …Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:30-34 The Message)

Another journalist reported Jesus’ message in a slightly different way: “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will brings its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matt. 6:34 NLT)

I realize that the elimination of all stress is impossible in this imperfect world. Yet, I do find it encouraging that intentionally living “one day at a time” can alleviate the pain of my overly-tight muscles. (Well, that’s an understatement!”)

Thank you to Jesus Christ, the Son of God, for contributing to my blog today. What’s your response to his advice?

I sat in the auditorium next to the guests I’d invited to join me for this special event. While engrossed in the beautiful music, it dawned on me: Joan, you’re enjoying this concert for the sheer pleasure of it, without being preoccupied with your guests’ thoughts, feelings or reactions. I smiled then and I’m smiling now as I remember.

For years, an overzealous sense of responsibility overshadowed my personal enjoyment. When I invited another person to attend a church service, concert or even a luncheon, I felt duty-bound to see that she enjoyed the time and gained new insight. Now I realize that I’m not responsible for someone else’s perceptions, attitudes or knowledge.

Through my years of life coaching and speaking, I’ve noticed an epidemic of over-helping. Those of us who want to join God in His work sometimes live by a false premise that we must fix what’s broken, heal what hurts and right what’s wrong (in our opinion). This over-active sense of responsibility can lead us to believe that we’re more powerful than we really are. It’s exhausting.

God is the Almighty One, and He wants to release us from this unnecessary responsibility. He is the one in charge of the world, not us. When we give Him our shoulds, musts and ought-tos, we begin to live in genuine freedom. You and I are not responsible for anyone else’s life fulfillment. Only our own. What uncomplicated delight!

Yesterday a coaching client emailed me to let me know that she had just read the above devotional in my book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. She wrote, “It hit the nail on the head with what I often feel with others.” Then she explained that she’s excited about letting go of the responsibility that isn’t hers.

What about you? What unreasonable I should or I must belief has worn you out and threatened to keep you from experiencing your own satisfaction or pleasure? I’d love to hear from you.

On my 13^th birthday I opened a gift from a friend and found a book of prayers. Each time I read one my desire to pray grew. (Yes, I was a normal teenager with peer problems and flighty episodes!)

More Book-Gifts

Years later after receiving several lovely wedding gifts of towels and household supplies, I unwrapped a devotional book titled Streams in the Desert, a compilation of daily thoughts and scriptural insights.

Then during my slide into burnout flamed by trying-too-hard-to make-it-all-just-right, I received another gift—this time from an employee. It was the book, My Utmost for His Highest.

Throughout my life reading devotional books has enriched my alone times with God. Sometimes I read several devotions and study scripture for an extended period. Other times I only read one short devotion before I scoot out the door. Some days I have no time to read at all.

Books Have Changed My Life

Yet as I digest the words others have written about what it means to follow Christ, I’m inspired to stay committed to my decision to be a woman after God’s own heart (as imperfect King David was. Acts 13:22)

I still have the daily prayer book I received as a teenager. Recently I scanned the prayer-notes that I jotted in the margins. I chuckled when I noticed that even as a teen I often felt overwhelmed and self-critical. God proved patient and graceful with me then as He is now.

Reading devotions and inspirational messages causes me to want to spend time in prayer, to listen to God and rest in His presence. When I read something that catches my attention, I jot my response or question on the page.  Then later I go to the Bible to confirm or challenge what I read.

Reading Draws Me to God

When I’m feeling numb and don’t know what to do I open a devotional book and gain support to move forward. Reading devotional material has been such a vital part of my spiritual journey that I’ve wanted to pass on the joy to others. As a result I’ve written several devotional-type books.

I love how God is teaching the overwhelmed and self-critical teenager who grew up to be an overwhelmed and people-pleasing adult that He loves and cherishes me whether I read the right books or pray just the right prayer or have perfectly consistent faith. He knows my genuine desire to be intimate with Him and serve others. And God continues to teach me through the written words of others who love Him, too. I guess I get caught reading quite a lot!

Rich Inspirational Reads

Here’s a list of devotional type books that have made a big impact on me.

1. A Diary of Daily Prayer by John Baille (It’s a classic.)
2. Streams in the Desert, Vol. Two by Mrs. Charles Cowman (Classic, too!)
3. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers (Well-known and loved.)
4. Intimate Moments with the Savior by Ken Gire
5. Dare to Journey with Henri Nouwen by Charles Ringma
6. God Grant by Paul E. Keller
7. A Guide to Prayer by Rueben P. Job and Norman Shawchuck
8. The Secret Place of Strength by Marie Chapian
9. Psalms for Recovery by Barbara Stephens
10. The Message//Remix: Solo–Eugene H. Peterson, Jan Johnson, J.R. Briggs, Katie Peckham
11. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (A current best-seller)

There are more. Perhaps I’ll post another list later. The following books are the devotional books I’ve written as a result of my journey.

1. It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life by Joan C. Webb
2. Everyday Wisdom by Joan C. Webb
3. Meditation for Christians Who Try to Be Perfect by Joan C. Webb
4. Devotions for Little Boys and Girls by Joan C. Webb (a four book series for children and their parents.) 1.) Old Testament; 2.) New Testament; 3.) What is God Like?; 4.) Jesus and His Friends

Your Turn to Get Caught Reading

What inspirational-type book has impacted your life?

Processing life–with the good, painful, and disappointing–is an annoyingly slow procedure at times. Although the growth process is always worthwhile, sometimes it takes me to frightening places where I feel unfamiliar emotions, think uncomfortable thoughts…and well, just plain hurt.

My stomach aches. My head throbs. My body gets tired. I find it takes courage to let myself experience these things, acknowledge my reality, and move beyond my conditioned attitudes and behavior–to GROW as a person–mother, wife, friend, writer, coach, business owner and child of God.

Although process isn’t always fun and I want God to hurry up sometimes, it helped me immensely when I realized that God could have sent His Son to accomplish His redemptive work during a weekend retreat. Perhaps then Jesus would have escaped much of the prolonged discomfort.

Instead God chose for Jesus to arrive as a baby, become a teen, and confront young adulthood. The faultless Son of God left perfection with His Father to face earth’s reality: sickness, death, abuse, and unbelief.

As I realized that God sanctions process, I began to relax and accept that progress takes time. And now as the years march by (hmmm, actually it feels more like they’re racing!) I want to remind myself again.

When I take substantial steps forward and then something happens to trigger old response strategies and I fall back, I have the option to pause where I am and begin again. Because God sanctions process. I love that. How about you?

You and I are surrounded by society’s message to hurry up and live. Combine this with the inner pull to avoid pain and we may begin to believe the false philosophy that faster is always better and that hardship is to be avoided at all costs.

Growth and life satisfaction can occur for you when you identify a need, develop a strategy to meet the need, and then delight in the outcome. Growth IS rewarding. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It is a process.

God sanctions process and He gives us lots of examples. Here’s one: A butterfly starts as an egg, becomes a caterpillar, then goes through the pupa stage before it emerges as a beautiful butterfly. Even then, it can’t fly until blood is pumped into it’s wings.

What’s another example of how God endorses process and gives us permission to enjoy life’s developing beauty? Leave a comment and continue the list here.

1. Butterfly process

2. Here’s a hint: