Stop Living Like You’re on Fire

Maybe you’re just tapping your toe in the burnout cauldron. Perhaps you’re going down for the third count. Identifying your symptoms and the degree of your burnout will help you make intentional decisions to regain healthy balance. Here’s a shortened list of symptoms ranging from the occasionally bothersome to the more severe.

1. Decreased energy/unfocused/confused/disappointed
2. Increased fatigue/stress/sometimes use caffeine/sweets to lift mood
3. Change in weight/occasions of insomnia
4. Less creativity/vanishing sense of purpose
5. Headaches/decreased libido/muscle aches/dizziness
6. Feelings of depression/resentment/rigidity
7. Decreased social activity/nagging anxiety/emotional numbing
8. Exhaustion 24/7 with inability to sleep
9. Chest pains/shortness of breath/stomach problems/dizziness/disorientation
10. Inappropriate outbursts/periods of risky behavior/unhealthy blood pressure/diagnosis of illness

“If you don’t want to burnout, stop living like you’re on fire,” writes Brene Brown, a vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston. Adopting reusable freedom-producing strategies can help you avoid additional symptoms or escape an established burnout system.

1. Develop an authentic picture of yourself. Ask 3 questions: What’s good about my life right now? What concerns me? What’s currently missing in my life?
2. Set realistic goals. By saying “yes” to a new project, you’ll automatically be saying “no” to something else. (If your “yes” means “no” to adequate sleep you’re not doing yourself any favors!)
3. Ask for support. People are often pleased to help.
4. Cultivate a detached concern (balanced love) for recipients of your efforts. You’re not responsibility for the success, happiness, or sobriety of another.
5. Maintain a reasonable action plan of proper nutrition and physical exercise. Take time-outs when you need them.

After one professional woman changed her burnout-prone lifestyle, her teenager said, “Mom, you saved my life. When I saw that you could take better care of yourself, I knew I could heal from anorexia. Thanks.” Self-care is not selfish.

What loving self-care will you resolve to practice in 2012?

A few years ago after one of my “Permission to Exhale”* retreats, a lovely woman quietly walked up to me and shared about the courageous next step she wanted to take. Little did I know that I had just met one of the best writers I’ve ever read: Lynne Hartke. You’ll love her blog.  http://www.lynnehartke.com/ Today I’ve asked Lynne (who is also a preschool teacher) to guest blog for me. Enjoy!

Lynne writes:

When two-year old Tyler handed me this picture, I responded like most adults. “Oh Tyler, I love this picture. You used such nice bright colors. Did it take a long time?”

I have learned from past experience to try not to interpret the drawing by saying, “What a nice picture of your mom”, only to find out it was a dinosaur. I also did not say, “Are blue and red the only colors you know how to use? How about green? Orange? Or brown? When are you going to learn to draw a real picture? Take this back and do it right!”

I didn’t say these things because it would be cruel (and I would also be unemployed.) I don’t expect a two-year old to be able to draw as well as a teenager or an adult. I realize that a child is more interested in the joy of coloring than in producing the perfect picture.

In the book Dangerous Wonder by Michael Yaconelli, he compares coloring to Christianity. He writes, “Most of my life I hear the message loud and clear that Christianity was all about…coloring well. If I was a good Christian, if I loved Jesus and wanted to please Him, if I read my Bible, prayed, and went to church, then I would get better and better at coloring…and I would eventually be able to draw close to the perfect drawing.”

I know I have fallen into this trap. I have gotten caught up in trying to produce the perfect drawing and I have missed the joy of coloring. When this happens, my faith becomes a list of rules, rather than a creative adventure. Ironically, my best effort is still going to end up looking a lot like Tyler’s picture and yet God doesn’t rip it up in disgust.

No. He says, “I can see you love the color pink. I like all the hearts you made all over the paper. Good job.” And then He’s going to take my picture and put it on His refrigerator, right next to pcitures from Mother Teresa and Moses. Because that’s what proud parents do.

So although I might not draw the perfect picture, I can’t wait to get out my crayons and markers and create another drawing to show Him. What picture are you drawing today?

*”Permission to Exhale” events based on my books, The Relief of Imperfection and It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

Special thanks for my friend and writing colleague, Lynne Hartke, for guest blogging today.

“Honey, you’ve had a busy day. Come watch the game with me,” suggested my husband.

“In a minute.”

Silently I added, First, I gotta clean the kitchen, wash a load of clothes and finish tomorrow’s report. My promised “minute” evolved into several hours.

Speaker Robert J. Kriegel contends that “gottas” have become the chief reaction for many of us in our bigger-better-faster-more culture. “The Gotta’s can run your life,” writes Kriegel in his book, If It Ain’t Broke . . . Break It!¹

I gotta clean the house before company comes. I gotta study my Bible lesson. I gotta get an A on that test. I must start the kids on piano lessons. I should host the neighborhood party. It can become a never-ending cycle of inner demands.

Obviously, you and I need to accomplish certain tasks in order to lead healthy lives (brushing our teeth, showering and eating to name a few.) However, when we let the shoulds and gottas control our lives, we lose our sense of contentment. God isn’t the one who pressures us. He wants us to delight in our life and work—whatever it is at this season. Satisfaction and enjoyment are God’s gifts to us.

Lord, I don’t want to be confined by my “gottas.” Yet, getting rid of the excessive shoulds in my vocabulary isn’t easy. Please help me.

Make It Personal: Name three gottas that could keep you from enjoying this coming week. Now eliminate one of those gottas—just for the next few days. Easy does it.

Adapted from It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life and based on “That everyone may . . . find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.” Ecclesiastes 3:13

If shame causes a person to hide who she is, I must be ashamed of myself. I hide the books I read for fear of being ridiculed. I refrain from sharing my thoughts when they differ from someone who doesn’t understand me. I practice piano only when no one is around. I’m afraid I’ll be considered arrogant if I do what I believe God is calling me to do.

Years ago, I wrote these words in my journal. Reading them now, I feel sad because fears like these kept me, for quite some time, from becoming the person God created me to be. I’ve met other women (and men!) beset by similar troubling self-views, so I recognize that it is possible for any of us to feel ashamed simply being ourselves.

Here’s what I’m learning: Just because a friend or relative is not a musician doesn’t mean I can’t be. I can enjoy reading, studying and teaching even though another person would rather do a hands-on helping project. If someone I love participates in sports and I don’t, that’s all right.

They can use the talent and gifts God gave them and pursue the activities and ministries they enjoy. And I can do the same.

Would you like to join me in praying: Lord, please help me to accept my personality characteristics and talents as gifts from You. And when someone else doesn’t understand who and what I am, give me courage to smile and not hide*.

Make It Personal: What do you enjoy doing? How can you do more of what you like?

*By the way, when we try to hide, we’re never quite successful. It reminds me of this photo of my granddaughter. There are always holes in our hiding methods!

This blog adapted from a devotion in my book It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. (There’s a Kindle version, too!)

God doesn’t use a cookie-cutter method to produce good in people’s lives. Sometimes we put God in a box, making declarations like, “God healed me this way; He’ll do it the same way for you” or “Here’s how He helped me choose a partner; just wait—God will work this way for you, too” or “Here’s the Bible-study plan I use; you should, also.”

With the Egyptians hot on the heels of the liberated Israelite people, God changed His protective tactics. For days, God’s angel had effectively led them from the front of the ranks. But now God moved the angel to the rear. As a result, the approaching Egyptians couldn’t see the Israelites and Moses guided the people safely across the Red Sea. (Read Exodus 14:19-20.)

This is a story of how God altered the way He had worked previously in the lives of the people he loved. He just might do the same thing with you. He has all the diverse resources in the universe at His command. Even though He may have never moved in a specific way before, you need not panic; God knows how to protect you and to grace you with what you need to grow and mature.

You want to join me in prayer right now: Lord, sometimes You work as You have before; other times, You surprise me. I don’t have every answer, so I’ll step aside. Do Your job in Your way.

Your turn: When has God surprised you by the different approach He used to bring about good results in your life or the life of someone you love?

Adapted from a devotional in my book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

People viewed tax collector Levi (also called Matthew) with contempt, yet Jesus chose him to be on His 12-man team.

Although I hesitate to admit this, at times I’ve made silent judgments about who is or is not spiritually mature. With the help of a couple of accountability partners, though, I’m becoming increasingly accepting of myself and others. It helps to remember that God is more interested in a person’s willingness and faith than whether they make faultless decisions or produce perfect plans. Oswald Chambers, author of My Utmost for His Highest, wrote, “The men and women our Lord sends out on His enterprises are the ordinary human stuff.”

I’ve noticed that some folks think they’ll never be good enough for God to use in His work, while others believe they have proved themselves to be extraordinary and He must utilize them and their talents. However, God doesn’t say, “You’re super-human; I’ll call you” or “She’s always right, I’ll send her.” God employs the ordinary people of this world—like you and me.

Lord, I’m not perfect, yet You choose to work in my life. I love that!

Make It Personal

What silent judgments have you made in the past about yourself and others? How did they help?

Today’s blog post is adapted from my devotional book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. It’s on Kindle now!

I sat in the auditorium next to the guests I’d invited to join me for this special event. While engrossed in the beautiful music, it dawned on me: Joan, you’re enjoying this concert for the sheer pleasure of it, without being preoccupied with your guests’ thoughts, feelings or reactions. I smiled then and I’m smiling now as I remember.

For years, an overzealous sense of responsibility overshadowed my personal enjoyment. When I invited another person to attend a church service, concert or even a luncheon, I felt duty-bound to see that she enjoyed the time and gained new insight. Now I realize that I’m not responsible for someone else’s perceptions, attitudes or knowledge.

Through my years of life coaching and speaking, I’ve noticed an epidemic of over-helping. Those of us who want to join God in His work sometimes live by a false premise that we must fix what’s broken, heal what hurts and right what’s wrong (in our opinion). This over-active sense of responsibility can lead us to believe that we’re more powerful than we really are. It’s exhausting.

God is the Almighty One, and He wants to release us from this unnecessary responsibility. He is the one in charge of the world, not us. When we give Him our shoulds, musts and ought-tos, we begin to live in genuine freedom. You and I are not responsible for anyone else’s life fulfillment. Only our own. What uncomplicated delight!

Yesterday a coaching client emailed me to let me know that she had just read the above devotional in my book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. She wrote, “It hit the nail on the head with what I often feel with others.” Then she explained that she’s excited about letting go of the responsibility that isn’t hers.

What about you? What unreasonable I should or I must belief has worn you out and threatened to keep you from experiencing your own satisfaction or pleasure? I’d love to hear from you.

On my 13^th birthday I opened a gift from a friend and found a book of prayers. Each time I read one my desire to pray grew. (Yes, I was a normal teenager with peer problems and flighty episodes!)

More Book-Gifts

Years later after receiving several lovely wedding gifts of towels and household supplies, I unwrapped a devotional book titled Streams in the Desert, a compilation of daily thoughts and scriptural insights.

Then during my slide into burnout flamed by trying-too-hard-to make-it-all-just-right, I received another gift—this time from an employee. It was the book, My Utmost for His Highest.

Throughout my life reading devotional books has enriched my alone times with God. Sometimes I read several devotions and study scripture for an extended period. Other times I only read one short devotion before I scoot out the door. Some days I have no time to read at all.

Books Have Changed My Life

Yet as I digest the words others have written about what it means to follow Christ, I’m inspired to stay committed to my decision to be a woman after God’s own heart (as imperfect King David was. Acts 13:22)

I still have the daily prayer book I received as a teenager. Recently I scanned the prayer-notes that I jotted in the margins. I chuckled when I noticed that even as a teen I often felt overwhelmed and self-critical. God proved patient and graceful with me then as He is now.

Reading devotions and inspirational messages causes me to want to spend time in prayer, to listen to God and rest in His presence. When I read something that catches my attention, I jot my response or question on the page.  Then later I go to the Bible to confirm or challenge what I read.

Reading Draws Me to God

When I’m feeling numb and don’t know what to do I open a devotional book and gain support to move forward. Reading devotional material has been such a vital part of my spiritual journey that I’ve wanted to pass on the joy to others. As a result I’ve written several devotional-type books.

I love how God is teaching the overwhelmed and self-critical teenager who grew up to be an overwhelmed and people-pleasing adult that He loves and cherishes me whether I read the right books or pray just the right prayer or have perfectly consistent faith. He knows my genuine desire to be intimate with Him and serve others. And God continues to teach me through the written words of others who love Him, too. I guess I get caught reading quite a lot!

Rich Inspirational Reads

Here’s a list of devotional type books that have made a big impact on me.

1. A Diary of Daily Prayer by John Baille (It’s a classic.)
2. Streams in the Desert, Vol. Two by Mrs. Charles Cowman (Classic, too!)
3. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers (Well-known and loved.)
4. Intimate Moments with the Savior by Ken Gire
5. Dare to Journey with Henri Nouwen by Charles Ringma
6. God Grant by Paul E. Keller
7. A Guide to Prayer by Rueben P. Job and Norman Shawchuck
8. The Secret Place of Strength by Marie Chapian
9. Psalms for Recovery by Barbara Stephens
10. The Message//Remix: Solo–Eugene H. Peterson, Jan Johnson, J.R. Briggs, Katie Peckham
11. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (A current best-seller)

There are more. Perhaps I’ll post another list later. The following books are the devotional books I’ve written as a result of my journey.

1. It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life by Joan C. Webb
2. Everyday Wisdom by Joan C. Webb
3. Meditation for Christians Who Try to Be Perfect by Joan C. Webb
4. Devotions for Little Boys and Girls by Joan C. Webb (a four book series for children and their parents.) 1.) Old Testament; 2.) New Testament; 3.) What is God Like?; 4.) Jesus and His Friends

Your Turn to Get Caught Reading

What inspirational-type book has impacted your life?

With all the talk of true love, kisses on the balcony and which bridal couple did what best, I’m reminded of my own wedding day.

I was closer in age to Princess Diana than to her son William’s bride, Kate Middleton. Still just like most brides, I had a dream. I don’t know what vision you had, but mine was to be a perfect wife—to be all Richard desired and make him happy that he married me.

But my initial goal turned into obsession. I felt compelled to modify my personality, beliefs, talents and hopes to match his. It looked good, but it felt awful.

Eventually, my unrealistic expectations led to burnout. The outward me could no longer live in disharmony with the inner me. I had to do something or crumble. Yet the thought of changing the way Richard and I related to each other scared me.

“What if you don’t like me or our marriage when I share the real me?”

“I will,” assured my husband.

At first, I didn’t believe him. And truthfully, adjusting our conditioned relational patterns—the way we had learned to interact with one another—felt unfamiliar and awkward to us both. Yet gradually we’ve grown more comfortable sharing our needs, vulnerabilities and desires. We’re discovering how to combine who we are on the inside with what we appear to be on the outside. I think we’re growing into the individual persons God created us to be. We’re also enjoying our imperfect relationship. And I’m grateful.

(And this all reminds me of 1 Peter 5:6-7 in The Message, “So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. Live carefree before God.”)

How about you? In which of your important relationships do you experience difficulty being your imperfectly human self? Consider sharing one uncomfortable reality about yourself to that person. Ask God for courage to be genuine.

* Story adapted from a devotional in my book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

Make room for your fibromyalgia. I read this simple statement soon after being diagnosed with “fibro” as some people call it. It peeved me immensely! I didn’t want to make room in my busy and active life for this.

Besides, I had doctors and loved ones who looked at me with a raised eyebrow when I mentioned fibromyalgia. One physician actually pointed to his head moving his finger in circles and then pointed at me in an attempt to let me know he thought I was indeed CRAZY! (He was forced into retirement two months later, so maybe he was the unstable one, but I digress!)

So I just kept going as usual with little nod to this new diagnosis. I traveled to Arizona from my home in Minnesota to do my LifePlan with Carol Travilla (we later co-authored The Intentional Woman workbook together.) Soon we discovered I didn’t have the mental, emotional, or physical strength to complete the process. We decided that my next reasonable step was to STOP and “make room for my fibromyalgia.” That was a long time ago: 1996 to be exact.

I don’t talk or write about it much. I really don’t like to. I’m not an expert on FMS. Sometimes I think there’s little info available anyway, so there’s not much to discuss. I’m aware that each person who deals with fibromyalgia has unique experiences and needs. My story is not like yours. I don’t pretend that it is.

Yet yesterday when I got a direct message on Twitter from yet another creative and goal-oriented woman who deals with fibromyalgia, something clicked inside me and I said, “Okay, Joan, blog about it.” So at the risk of sounding overly-simplistic (I know there is much more to this subject!) I add my two-cents here.

TEN ways I helped myself manage my life with fibromyalgia:

1. By asking for and getting support, information and education. I called around and found a Fibromyalgia Center at a hospital in Minneapolis, talked to insurance, signed up and went to classes that included P.T, O.T., water exercises, lifestyle change suggestions, medical help and more.
2. By taking the medication that was suggested. I tried different dosages and types. I’ve denied, ignored, discounted that it helps, but it does. I’m now on the lowest dose and grateful for it.
3. By starting water exercises. This was a BIG one for me because I don’t like water–or swimming. It gives me claustrophobia. I won’t even let the water in the shower flow on my face. At first I worked with a noodle to stay afloat and jog in the pool. For the last 12 years I’ve used an Aqua-Belt.
4. By walking around the neighborhood. I’ve never really enjoyed athletics or exercise. (I know some of you love it and I’m impressed!) This is something I make an intentional choice to do. My body doesn’t feel like it, but once I do it consistently I can feel a positive difference.
5. By discovering the reasons I didn’t have restorative sleep. Some studies show that poor sleep is one of the reasons people develop FMS. (There’s no way for the muscles to be replenished.) I found out I have sleep apnea, so I now use a CPAP machine and it has changed my life. (I no longer fall asleep at my desk, during meetings or in the car.)
6. By taking yoga classes and learning to breathe more deeply.  This is a rather long story. I have written about my “breathing” experiences in my books and in The Intentional Woman group messages on Facebook. Rest assured that I do focus on my Creator and Savior while doing yoga and breathing.
7. By balancing my hormones and taking supplements when needed. I went to a Hormone Specialist (Yes, I paid the extra $70 for the appointment that insurance wouldn’t cover!) and I’m taking bio-identical hormones (not synthetic) dispensed by a Compounded Pharmacist who works with my medical doctor. Right now, I also take Fish Oil every day. There are other supplements that have helped me in the past.
8. By learning how to do specific stretches, enjoying occasional gentle massages and soaking in the whirlpool Jacuzzi.
9. By making lifestyle changes. This has been a HUGE step toward emotional, mental, spiritual and physical healing for me. I addressed my workaholic tendencies, practiced saying “no” as well as saying “yes”, started asking for what I need/desire, taking breaks and much more.
10. By relaxing my urge to try too hard to make it all just right. This step has and is releasing me to freedom. It’s become a life theme for me–and a part of my mission from God. In my life coaching, speaking, mentoring and writing I’ve noticed an epidemic of “trying too hard to make it all just right” among Christians. People need relief and grace. That’s why I wrote the books, The Relief of Imperfection and It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

There you have it. 10 Ways that I helped myself manage my fibro. (There are more, but that’s all for now. This blog is already longer than usual.)

So I’m wondering: How have you helped yourself with your pain, tension and discomfort? In what ways are you releasing yourself to freedom?