Stop Living Like You’re on Fire

Maybe you’re just tapping your toe in the burnout cauldron. Perhaps you’re going down for the third count. Identifying your symptoms and the degree of your burnout will help you make intentional decisions to regain healthy balance. Here’s a shortened list of symptoms ranging from the occasionally bothersome to the more severe.

1. Decreased energy/unfocused/confused/disappointed
2. Increased fatigue/stress/sometimes use caffeine/sweets to lift mood
3. Change in weight/occasions of insomnia
4. Less creativity/vanishing sense of purpose
5. Headaches/decreased libido/muscle aches/dizziness
6. Feelings of depression/resentment/rigidity
7. Decreased social activity/nagging anxiety/emotional numbing
8. Exhaustion 24/7 with inability to sleep
9. Chest pains/shortness of breath/stomach problems/dizziness/disorientation
10. Inappropriate outbursts/periods of risky behavior/unhealthy blood pressure/diagnosis of illness

“If you don’t want to burnout, stop living like you’re on fire,” writes Brene Brown, a vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston. Adopting reusable freedom-producing strategies can help you avoid additional symptoms or escape an established burnout system.

1. Develop an authentic picture of yourself. Ask 3 questions: What’s good about my life right now? What concerns me? What’s currently missing in my life?
2. Set realistic goals. By saying “yes” to a new project, you’ll automatically be saying “no” to something else. (If your “yes” means “no” to adequate sleep you’re not doing yourself any favors!)
3. Ask for support. People are often pleased to help.
4. Cultivate a detached concern (balanced love) for recipients of your efforts. You’re not responsibility for the success, happiness, or sobriety of another.
5. Maintain a reasonable action plan of proper nutrition and physical exercise. Take time-outs when you need them.

After one professional woman changed her burnout-prone lifestyle, her teenager said, “Mom, you saved my life. When I saw that you could take better care of yourself, I knew I could heal from anorexia. Thanks.” Self-care is not selfish.

What loving self-care will you resolve to practice in 2012?

God doesn’t use a cookie-cutter method to produce good in people’s lives. Sometimes we put God in a box, making declarations like, “God healed me this way; He’ll do it the same way for you” or “Here’s how He helped me choose a partner; just wait—God will work this way for you, too” or “Here’s the Bible-study plan I use; you should, also.”

With the Egyptians hot on the heels of the liberated Israelite people, God changed His protective tactics. For days, God’s angel had effectively led them from the front of the ranks. But now God moved the angel to the rear. As a result, the approaching Egyptians couldn’t see the Israelites and Moses guided the people safely across the Red Sea. (Read Exodus 14:19-20.)

This is a story of how God altered the way He had worked previously in the lives of the people he loved. He just might do the same thing with you. He has all the diverse resources in the universe at His command. Even though He may have never moved in a specific way before, you need not panic; God knows how to protect you and to grace you with what you need to grow and mature.

You want to join me in prayer right now: Lord, sometimes You work as You have before; other times, You surprise me. I don’t have every answer, so I’ll step aside. Do Your job in Your way.

Your turn: When has God surprised you by the different approach He used to bring about good results in your life or the life of someone you love?

Adapted from a devotional in my book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

Mom's Engagement Photo

Mom’s been gone for a long while now. It saddens me to recall the last ten years of her life because we watched her lose the ability to hear, see, interact, or engage in daily life. Yet this morning I remember beyond that to a moment when she stepped out of her own imperfect reality to connect with her eldest child. And that would be me!

At the time, I hadn’t seen my fiance who was stationed with the army on the border between North and South Korea for nine months. I was lonely, but tried not to mope around and make things difficult for my friends and family, especially mom. Mother worked full-time, was still raising my 8 and 13 year-old sisters, and she was dealing with forced menopausal stuff as a result of a hysterectomy.

One Wednesday night while we sat together waiting for choir practice to start, she turned and asked, “Do you miss Richard?”

“I just feel like half my heart is cut out all the time.” It was quite a dramatic response to her simple inquiry, but she didn’t laugh at me. I remember the sad look in her eyes. She squeezed me hand. And then it was over. The choir director called us to rehearse.

Jars of Clay

God knew that I needed my mother’s love and validation that night. He nudged her to ask me that pointed question. She accepted my spontaneously honest answer and I felt understood and comforted.

This memory reminds me of 2 Corinthians 4:7, “We carry this precious Message [God's loving gift of Jesus] around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.” (The Message) None of us–whether we’re mothers or daughters or both–have perfect situations, spiritual lives, or emotions, yet God still reaches others through us. Don’t you love that?

What meaningful imperfect mom-memory do you have this Mother’s Day?

With all the talk of true love, kisses on the balcony and which bridal couple did what best, I’m reminded of my own wedding day.

I was closer in age to Princess Diana than to her son William’s bride, Kate Middleton. Still just like most brides, I had a dream. I don’t know what vision you had, but mine was to be a perfect wife—to be all Richard desired and make him happy that he married me.

But my initial goal turned into obsession. I felt compelled to modify my personality, beliefs, talents and hopes to match his. It looked good, but it felt awful.

Eventually, my unrealistic expectations led to burnout. The outward me could no longer live in disharmony with the inner me. I had to do something or crumble. Yet the thought of changing the way Richard and I related to each other scared me.

“What if you don’t like me or our marriage when I share the real me?”

“I will,” assured my husband.

At first, I didn’t believe him. And truthfully, adjusting our conditioned relational patterns—the way we had learned to interact with one another—felt unfamiliar and awkward to us both. Yet gradually we’ve grown more comfortable sharing our needs, vulnerabilities and desires. We’re discovering how to combine who we are on the inside with what we appear to be on the outside. I think we’re growing into the individual persons God created us to be. We’re also enjoying our imperfect relationship. And I’m grateful.

(And this all reminds me of 1 Peter 5:6-7 in The Message, “So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. Live carefree before God.”)

How about you? In which of your important relationships do you experience difficulty being your imperfectly human self? Consider sharing one uncomfortable reality about yourself to that person. Ask God for courage to be genuine.

* Story adapted from a devotional in my book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

Years ago while recovering from burnout, I enjoyed a few days away on a personal retreat. Sitting alone, I listened to the recorded music of a soloist singing: “God is in love with His people. God is in love with me.”

Tears filled my eyes. For a woman who doesn’t cry much, this surprised me. My soul empty for so long, filled with fresh hope. Yet my next thought threatened my newfound contentment: “But is this true that You’re in love with me, Lord?”

Returning to my room, I searched for affirmation. Then I read, “The Lord appeared . . . saying, ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love’” (Jeremiah 31:3).¹

“It is true,” I whispered. “God is in love with me.” I remember praying: Lord, help me continue to believe that You’re in love with me even when my mind and emotions insist otherwise.

This Week During a Personal Retreat

Last weekend I took time to go on another personal retreat. (I’ve come to appreciate these get-away times.) Before I arrived at the retreat center, I met with a spiritual director and shared my longing: to feel God’s love in addition to knowing it. (Yes, it’s very similar to that long-ago desire.)

She listened and we chatted about the push/pull I often experience in each area of my life: work, self-care, relationships, service, dreams, spirituality. We talked about the almost constant the tug-of-war I experience between the fast-paced/goal-oriented side of my personality and the reflective/slower side.

She said something like, “You don’t have to fight this push/pull, Joan. It is a part of you. Talk with God about that and then listen for His responses.”

I acknowledged and felt a myriad of emotions during my retreat (yes, that was smile-able progress for me.) During an agitated time, I prayed, “What do you want, Lord?”

“Nothing right now, Joan. I don’t always want something extra. You’re the one who always wants something more from yourself.”

“I’m sleepy.”

“So take a nap, Joan.”

“Uhhh, okay, Lord.” My shoulders relaxed; the agitation waned. I felt cared for, listened to–and loved. Like God wanted my needs to be met. Ahhh.

The next day when the agitation reared it’s head again, I didn’t berate myself–and neither did the One who is indeed in love with me.

So here’s a message for all you who long for God: God’s in love with you, too.

Consider planning some time for a private retreat or a few hours away from your normal schedule to connect with yourself and God. If you’d like to dialogue about how, when, where and why to retreat, send me a comment.

Here’s a few photos I snapped during my retreat this weekend.

It’s Love Day! And my birthday. It’s a BIG one for me, but I’m not telling which one. I had a great day today. It wasn’t “perfect” because my husband was out of town, but it was wonderful. Sounds like The Relief of Imperfection! (Remember–Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful!)

Hey, I’ve been celebrating my birthday for weeks, ever since the “Relief” Book Launch on January 19 when my daughter Lynnette, son-in-law Adam, son Rich, and daughter-in-law Anne surprised me with a special memory book filled with notes, letters and well wishes from over 50 friends, colleagues, and family members sharing funny stories and birthday greetings. It warms my heart every time I read these messages. I’m a grateful woman!

Above photo: My daughter-in-law Anne Webb giving me the Birthday Memory Book!

The 2nd photo includes (right to left) our son Rich, then daughter Lynnette Rasmussen, then my husband Richard, me (Joan) in the middle, and my friend Patty Parker (we’ve been friends since grade school and she was in our wedding) and Patty’s husband Frank Fara. Patty and Frank are in the music business (check out http://www.comstockrecords.com/).

3rd Photo: The Relief of Imperfection book table with my friend of twenty years Sue Theobald (on the left) who came all the way from Minnesota to Arizona to celebrate with us. On the right is Lisa Gifford (and her husband Bruce.) Lisa has one of the 35 stories of “relief” in The Relief of Imperfection. She and I are working together on some “Relief of Imperfection” projects. Kneeling down in front of the table with her back turned to the camera is Lynn Bragelman, the winner of the “Relief” basket give away.

Thank you to all of you who came out to The Relief of Imperfection Book Launch Celebration. And thank you to all of you who wrote personal Happy Birthday greetings for my Memory Book. You are part of the joy of my birthday this year. I’m smiling here!