Has anyone ever said to you, “You’re such a perfectionist!” or “Who died and made you God?” Perhaps you’ve mumbled something similar when dealing with a demanding co-worker or loved one. But what is perfectionism?

One dictionary defines it as “a propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect.” Yet a practicing perfectionist may not always demand straight A’s, refuse to leave the house if the bed’s not made, or endlessly edit a report. Perfectionism is more subtle than that. It’s about unreasonable expectations – how we berate ourselves and others (silently or aloud) for having human (decoded as “weak”) thoughts and emotions, inconsistent commitment levels, or average accomplishments, bodies and relationships.

When we try too hard to make ourselves, our jobs and our families “just right,” we get overly stressed and bone-tired. Who needs that? Relief is possible. It’s a process, but we can reduce our self-sabotaging behaviors by:

Realizing that when we fall into the “trying too hard to make it just right” trap, we believe a misconception: That people, projects and circumstances have the capacity to be perfect (or “just right”).

• Acknowledging that when we adhere to this misconception, life becomes a persistent disappointment.
• Recognizing that this mind-set increases our anxiety and sabotages our relationships and dreams.
• Changing our unrealistic expectations to believe the truth: Human beings, organizations, and even our accomplishments do not have the ability to be flawless 24/7. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful! Only God is perfect!

If you doubt that you’ll still be able to reach your God-given goals, become an excellent employee, succeed as a parent or grow spiritually when you relax and release your unrealistic expectations, check out next week’s blog. (Hint: There IS a difference between partnering with God for excellence and operating in perfectionism.)

Just wondering here: Do you ever get tired of trying too hard to make it all just right?

I adapted this article which I originally wrote to be published by Genius Avenue Inc., copyright 2011.

A few years ago after one of my “Permission to Exhale”* retreats, a lovely woman quietly walked up to me and shared about the courageous next step she wanted to take. Little did I know that I had just met one of the best writers I’ve ever read: Lynne Hartke. You’ll love her blog.  http://www.lynnehartke.com/ Today I’ve asked Lynne (who is also a preschool teacher) to guest blog for me. Enjoy!

Lynne writes:

When two-year old Tyler handed me this picture, I responded like most adults. “Oh Tyler, I love this picture. You used such nice bright colors. Did it take a long time?”

I have learned from past experience to try not to interpret the drawing by saying, “What a nice picture of your mom”, only to find out it was a dinosaur. I also did not say, “Are blue and red the only colors you know how to use? How about green? Orange? Or brown? When are you going to learn to draw a real picture? Take this back and do it right!”

I didn’t say these things because it would be cruel (and I would also be unemployed.) I don’t expect a two-year old to be able to draw as well as a teenager or an adult. I realize that a child is more interested in the joy of coloring than in producing the perfect picture.

In the book Dangerous Wonder by Michael Yaconelli, he compares coloring to Christianity. He writes, “Most of my life I hear the message loud and clear that Christianity was all about…coloring well. If I was a good Christian, if I loved Jesus and wanted to please Him, if I read my Bible, prayed, and went to church, then I would get better and better at coloring…and I would eventually be able to draw close to the perfect drawing.”

I know I have fallen into this trap. I have gotten caught up in trying to produce the perfect drawing and I have missed the joy of coloring. When this happens, my faith becomes a list of rules, rather than a creative adventure. Ironically, my best effort is still going to end up looking a lot like Tyler’s picture and yet God doesn’t rip it up in disgust.

No. He says, “I can see you love the color pink. I like all the hearts you made all over the paper. Good job.” And then He’s going to take my picture and put it on His refrigerator, right next to pcitures from Mother Teresa and Moses. Because that’s what proud parents do.

So although I might not draw the perfect picture, I can’t wait to get out my crayons and markers and create another drawing to show Him. What picture are you drawing today?

*”Permission to Exhale” events based on my books, The Relief of Imperfection and It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

Special thanks for my friend and writing colleague, Lynne Hartke, for guest blogging today.

When I began sharing my story, I noticed a few people retreated when I mentioned the word workaholism. “I can’t identify,” they laughed. However, I have a hunch that more than care to admit experience similar self-destructive patterns.

In her book, Working Ourselves to Death, Diane Fassel contends that although workaholics may work a great deal, they are not always working. Some avoid work, some work in obsessive spurts, others procrastinate.

Pressured by church and family, housewives may become work addicts all in the interest of being perfect wives and mothers. In the zealous and competitive pursuit of superiority (often misnamed as excellence), schools produce youth obsessed with perfect performance in athletics and academics.

Work addiction often surfaces when we confuse who we are as God’s unique and valuable creation with what we can or cannot do. God will help us uncover the distorted ideas we have about ourselves and our work. After facing the issues honestly, we can learn to labor at our daily tasks without being controlled by them. God wants us to find peace and satisfaction in this area of our lives.

How do you feel about the concept of work addiction or workaholism? Has it touched your life in any way?

“Honey, you’ve had a busy day. Come watch the game with me,” suggested my husband.

“In a minute.”

Silently I added, First, I gotta clean the kitchen, wash a load of clothes and finish tomorrow’s report. My promised “minute” evolved into several hours.

Speaker Robert J. Kriegel contends that “gottas” have become the chief reaction for many of us in our bigger-better-faster-more culture. “The Gotta’s can run your life,” writes Kriegel in his book, If It Ain’t Broke . . . Break It!¹

I gotta clean the house before company comes. I gotta study my Bible lesson. I gotta get an A on that test. I must start the kids on piano lessons. I should host the neighborhood party. It can become a never-ending cycle of inner demands.

Obviously, you and I need to accomplish certain tasks in order to lead healthy lives (brushing our teeth, showering and eating to name a few.) However, when we let the shoulds and gottas control our lives, we lose our sense of contentment. God isn’t the one who pressures us. He wants us to delight in our life and work—whatever it is at this season. Satisfaction and enjoyment are God’s gifts to us.

Lord, I don’t want to be confined by my “gottas.” Yet, getting rid of the excessive shoulds in my vocabulary isn’t easy. Please help me.

Make It Personal: Name three gottas that could keep you from enjoying this coming week. Now eliminate one of those gottas—just for the next few days. Easy does it.

Adapted from It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life and based on “That everyone may . . . find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.” Ecclesiastes 3:13

If shame causes a person to hide who she is, I must be ashamed of myself. I hide the books I read for fear of being ridiculed. I refrain from sharing my thoughts when they differ from someone who doesn’t understand me. I practice piano only when no one is around. I’m afraid I’ll be considered arrogant if I do what I believe God is calling me to do.

Years ago, I wrote these words in my journal. Reading them now, I feel sad because fears like these kept me, for quite some time, from becoming the person God created me to be. I’ve met other women (and men!) beset by similar troubling self-views, so I recognize that it is possible for any of us to feel ashamed simply being ourselves.

Here’s what I’m learning: Just because a friend or relative is not a musician doesn’t mean I can’t be. I can enjoy reading, studying and teaching even though another person would rather do a hands-on helping project. If someone I love participates in sports and I don’t, that’s all right.

They can use the talent and gifts God gave them and pursue the activities and ministries they enjoy. And I can do the same.

Would you like to join me in praying: Lord, please help me to accept my personality characteristics and talents as gifts from You. And when someone else doesn’t understand who and what I am, give me courage to smile and not hide*.

Make It Personal: What do you enjoy doing? How can you do more of what you like?

*By the way, when we try to hide, we’re never quite successful. It reminds me of this photo of my granddaughter. There are always holes in our hiding methods!

This blog adapted from a devotion in my book It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. (There’s a Kindle version, too!)

When I was a kid we had a standing joke that it was okay to talk to yourself, as long as you didn’t answer back. Well, I’m long past childhood and I’ve discovered just about everybody does both!

What do you say to yourself? Is it nice or not-so-nice? This morning a friend shared with me that when she’s alone she calls herself names, but she never does that when anyone else is around. She just keeps it internal then.

Perhaps your self-talk is pretty nice, yet it’s filled with half-truths like: “I should keep all my problems to myself.” “People must agree if they genuinely care about one another.” “I must stay busy all the time if I want to be an effective witness for Christ.” 

Even slightly-negative self-chatter can thwart growth and keep you from maintaining healthy relationships with yourself, others and God. BUMMER. Absolutes like “I must never be afraid” or Over-generalizations such as “Men are always like that–I can’t expect any better” can keep you in the status quo OR send you spiraling downward. DOUBLE BUMMER.

Yet relief and growth will take place when you and I exchange our half-truths and disapproving self-talk for realistic and grace-filled statements. For example: “Sometimes the unknown future scares me, yet with God’s help I’ll gain courage to move through the fear.” Ahhhh. RELIEF.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Jn 8:32

Our anxiety level increases when we believe statements like: “Disappointing my parents would be terrible” or “If I make a mistake in front of others it would be awful.” The truth is: it would be distasteful, painful, annoying, inconvenient – even sad, but not the end of the world.

• What if your mother was angry because you couldn’t come to Sunday dinner?
• What if your spouse retreated in pouting silence when you said No?
• What if you did make a mistake delivering your next presentation? (Okay, I’m stepping on my own toes here and it hurts! Just saying…)

So, here’s a suggestion: The next time you feel anxiety balloon in your stomach (Well, that’s how it manifests for me. Where does it show up for you?), ask yourself: What is the worst thing that could happen to me? Listen carefully for the answer and then ask another question: Will that worst scenario ever cause God to withhold his love from me?

I invite you to pray with me today: Lord, if I made a mistake, I’d be embarrassed. If my mate got mad at me, it would be extremely unpleasant. If I lost a parent, I’d be grief-stricken. But with your help I would endure, knowing that one day I’ll be with you and everything will be perfect.

Sometimes I get so drained trying to be the ideal wife, mother, friend, writer, daughter, sister, business owner, manager, speaker, teacher and Christian woman (that’s the most confusing one at times) that I just want to step down from my regular life, go away to figure “it” out, and return all fixed and safe for the future. But as Sandy Richardson and Susan Wilsie Govier, authors of Soul Hunger, remind me, “Safety doesn’t come from having all my ducks in a row.”

You’d think after all this time, I’d have the perfect (oops!) routine all formed, wrapped in a neat little package, and ready to open and use at a moment’s notice. It isn’t like that.

While I do have tools that help, I don’t have it (or me) all figured out. (Shock!) I still have to be persistent and deliberate about maintaining balance (saying yes to some things and no to others) and taking current action steps to experience the relief of imperfection.

I’m different than I used to be. Free-er. Less rigid. It doesn’t matter as much if something isn’t explained just right or folded correctly. I’m more willing to ask for what I need. (Though this is still hard for me at times.) I don’t feel as responsible for my husband’s happiness. I laugh more readily. And because of all this, I’m a grateful woman. I truly am.

Yet I’m certainly not perfect—and it’s in admitting and accepting this that I find such relief! I identify with Katie Brazelton, author of Pathway to Purpose who wrote, “As I left behind my unreachable Utopia and entered the real world of laughable flaws, I experienced a freedom I did not expect.”*

SO HOW ABOUT YOU? What happens when you try to get all your ducks to stay in a row? What makes you feel safe?

*Adapted from The Relief of Imperfection (at Amazon BARGAIN PRICE right now for $6 instead of $14.99. Ironically so is Brazelton’s book, Pathway to Purpose. We never know when the sale is going to show up or fade away. Maybe now is your time to get both! BTW, Soul Hunger is a good resource about Eating Disorders.)

People viewed tax collector Levi (also called Matthew) with contempt, yet Jesus chose him to be on His 12-man team.

Although I hesitate to admit this, at times I’ve made silent judgments about who is or is not spiritually mature. With the help of a couple of accountability partners, though, I’m becoming increasingly accepting of myself and others. It helps to remember that God is more interested in a person’s willingness and faith than whether they make faultless decisions or produce perfect plans. Oswald Chambers, author of My Utmost for His Highest, wrote, “The men and women our Lord sends out on His enterprises are the ordinary human stuff.”

I’ve noticed that some folks think they’ll never be good enough for God to use in His work, while others believe they have proved themselves to be extraordinary and He must utilize them and their talents. However, God doesn’t say, “You’re super-human; I’ll call you” or “She’s always right, I’ll send her.” God employs the ordinary people of this world—like you and me.

Lord, I’m not perfect, yet You choose to work in my life. I love that!

Make It Personal

What silent judgments have you made in the past about yourself and others? How did they help?

Today’s blog post is adapted from my devotional book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. It’s on Kindle now!

I sat in the auditorium next to the guests I’d invited to join me for this special event. While engrossed in the beautiful music, it dawned on me: Joan, you’re enjoying this concert for the sheer pleasure of it, without being preoccupied with your guests’ thoughts, feelings or reactions. I smiled then and I’m smiling now as I remember.

For years, an overzealous sense of responsibility overshadowed my personal enjoyment. When I invited another person to attend a church service, concert or even a luncheon, I felt duty-bound to see that she enjoyed the time and gained new insight. Now I realize that I’m not responsible for someone else’s perceptions, attitudes or knowledge.

Through my years of life coaching and speaking, I’ve noticed an epidemic of over-helping. Those of us who want to join God in His work sometimes live by a false premise that we must fix what’s broken, heal what hurts and right what’s wrong (in our opinion). This over-active sense of responsibility can lead us to believe that we’re more powerful than we really are. It’s exhausting.

God is the Almighty One, and He wants to release us from this unnecessary responsibility. He is the one in charge of the world, not us. When we give Him our shoulds, musts and ought-tos, we begin to live in genuine freedom. You and I are not responsible for anyone else’s life fulfillment. Only our own. What uncomplicated delight!

Yesterday a coaching client emailed me to let me know that she had just read the above devotional in my book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. She wrote, “It hit the nail on the head with what I often feel with others.” Then she explained that she’s excited about letting go of the responsibility that isn’t hers.

What about you? What unreasonable I should or I must belief has worn you out and threatened to keep you from experiencing your own satisfaction or pleasure? I’d love to hear from you.