Has anyone ever said to you, “You’re such a perfectionist!” or “Who died and made you God?” Perhaps you’ve mumbled something similar when dealing with a demanding co-worker or loved one. But what is perfectionism?

One dictionary defines it as “a propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect.” Yet a practicing perfectionist may not always demand straight A’s, refuse to leave the house if the bed’s not made, or endlessly edit a report. Perfectionism is more subtle than that. It’s about unreasonable expectations – how we berate ourselves and others (silently or aloud) for having human (decoded as “weak”) thoughts and emotions, inconsistent commitment levels, or average accomplishments, bodies and relationships.

When we try too hard to make ourselves, our jobs and our families “just right,” we get overly stressed and bone-tired. Who needs that? Relief is possible. It’s a process, but we can reduce our self-sabotaging behaviors by:

Realizing that when we fall into the “trying too hard to make it just right” trap, we believe a misconception: That people, projects and circumstances have the capacity to be perfect (or “just right”).

• Acknowledging that when we adhere to this misconception, life becomes a persistent disappointment.
• Recognizing that this mind-set increases our anxiety and sabotages our relationships and dreams.
• Changing our unrealistic expectations to believe the truth: Human beings, organizations, and even our accomplishments do not have the ability to be flawless 24/7. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful! Only God is perfect!

If you doubt that you’ll still be able to reach your God-given goals, become an excellent employee, succeed as a parent or grow spiritually when you relax and release your unrealistic expectations, check out next week’s blog. (Hint: There IS a difference between partnering with God for excellence and operating in perfectionism.)

Just wondering here: Do you ever get tired of trying too hard to make it all just right?

I adapted this article which I originally wrote to be published by Genius Avenue Inc., copyright 2011.

Stop Living Like You’re on Fire

Maybe you’re just tapping your toe in the burnout cauldron. Perhaps you’re going down for the third count. Identifying your symptoms and the degree of your burnout will help you make intentional decisions to regain healthy balance. Here’s a shortened list of symptoms ranging from the occasionally bothersome to the more severe.

1. Decreased energy/unfocused/confused/disappointed
2. Increased fatigue/stress/sometimes use caffeine/sweets to lift mood
3. Change in weight/occasions of insomnia
4. Less creativity/vanishing sense of purpose
5. Headaches/decreased libido/muscle aches/dizziness
6. Feelings of depression/resentment/rigidity
7. Decreased social activity/nagging anxiety/emotional numbing
8. Exhaustion 24/7 with inability to sleep
9. Chest pains/shortness of breath/stomach problems/dizziness/disorientation
10. Inappropriate outbursts/periods of risky behavior/unhealthy blood pressure/diagnosis of illness

“If you don’t want to burnout, stop living like you’re on fire,” writes Brene Brown, a vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston. Adopting reusable freedom-producing strategies can help you avoid additional symptoms or escape an established burnout system.

1. Develop an authentic picture of yourself. Ask 3 questions: What’s good about my life right now? What concerns me? What’s currently missing in my life?
2. Set realistic goals. By saying “yes” to a new project, you’ll automatically be saying “no” to something else. (If your “yes” means “no” to adequate sleep you’re not doing yourself any favors!)
3. Ask for support. People are often pleased to help.
4. Cultivate a detached concern (balanced love) for recipients of your efforts. You’re not responsibility for the success, happiness, or sobriety of another.
5. Maintain a reasonable action plan of proper nutrition and physical exercise. Take time-outs when you need them.

After one professional woman changed her burnout-prone lifestyle, her teenager said, “Mom, you saved my life. When I saw that you could take better care of yourself, I knew I could heal from anorexia. Thanks.” Self-care is not selfish.

What loving self-care will you resolve to practice in 2012?

God doesn’t use a cookie-cutter method to produce good in people’s lives. Sometimes we put God in a box, making declarations like, “God healed me this way; He’ll do it the same way for you” or “Here’s how He helped me choose a partner; just wait—God will work this way for you, too” or “Here’s the Bible-study plan I use; you should, also.”

With the Egyptians hot on the heels of the liberated Israelite people, God changed His protective tactics. For days, God’s angel had effectively led them from the front of the ranks. But now God moved the angel to the rear. As a result, the approaching Egyptians couldn’t see the Israelites and Moses guided the people safely across the Red Sea. (Read Exodus 14:19-20.)

This is a story of how God altered the way He had worked previously in the lives of the people he loved. He just might do the same thing with you. He has all the diverse resources in the universe at His command. Even though He may have never moved in a specific way before, you need not panic; God knows how to protect you and to grace you with what you need to grow and mature.

You want to join me in prayer right now: Lord, sometimes You work as You have before; other times, You surprise me. I don’t have every answer, so I’ll step aside. Do Your job in Your way.

Your turn: When has God surprised you by the different approach He used to bring about good results in your life or the life of someone you love?

Adapted from a devotional in my book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

People viewed tax collector Levi (also called Matthew) with contempt, yet Jesus chose him to be on His 12-man team.

Although I hesitate to admit this, at times I’ve made silent judgments about who is or is not spiritually mature. With the help of a couple of accountability partners, though, I’m becoming increasingly accepting of myself and others. It helps to remember that God is more interested in a person’s willingness and faith than whether they make faultless decisions or produce perfect plans. Oswald Chambers, author of My Utmost for His Highest, wrote, “The men and women our Lord sends out on His enterprises are the ordinary human stuff.”

I’ve noticed that some folks think they’ll never be good enough for God to use in His work, while others believe they have proved themselves to be extraordinary and He must utilize them and their talents. However, God doesn’t say, “You’re super-human; I’ll call you” or “She’s always right, I’ll send her.” God employs the ordinary people of this world—like you and me.

Lord, I’m not perfect, yet You choose to work in my life. I love that!

Make It Personal

What silent judgments have you made in the past about yourself and others? How did they help?

Today’s blog post is adapted from my devotional book, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. It’s on Kindle now!

It’s Easter week and I’m thinking about Christmas! But it’s not what you suspect. I’m not in my perfectionistic-mode of planning, shopping and preparing my holidays that far in advance.

I’m thinking about Christmas, because Easter is the reason for Christmas. Which leads me to reflect on JESUS.

During His 33 years on earth, Jesus surrounded Himself with perfectly imperfect people who decided to admit their needs, take risks, make mistakes and grow. These are the kind of people who formed His staff and ministry team.

Actually, He didn’t spend much time with those who feigned perfection, appeared on-top-of-it-all, made unreasonable religious rules, blamed others for their dilemmas and remained preoccupied with appearances.

Instead Jesus preferred working, playing and living with people just like you and me. He enjoyed imperfect partnerships back then, just as He does today. What a relief-producing Easter thought!

How will this truth make a difference in your Easter holiday this season?

Easter Gift-Giving Tip: Include a copy of the book The Relief of Imperfection in your Easter baskets.

Balance itself has no specific objective. It is a constant state of motion and flex.

To understand this, imagine the following. [You might even wish to take a break from sitting at the computer to actually DO this! Oh, go ahead. Nobody’s watching and if someone is, she won’t care!]

• You stand up and twirl around several times.
• You run in place for several minutes and skip to the corner of the room and back.
• You twirl around twice more.
• Then you immediately try to balance on one foot.

Now imagine (or notice if you were brave enough to stop and try this exercise!) the subtle adjustments you have to make in your foot and body to maintain equilibrium.

This imaginary activity is designed to give you a picture of what you’re attempting to do in balancing the different aspects and roles of your life during any given day. Balance doesn’t mean scheduling an equal number of hours to each role or activity in your life. Not only is that unrealistic, it’s impossible.

Developing balance is a skill (just like standing on one leg is a learned skill.) Remember God cares about all areas of your life and He wants to help you flex with your roles and goals. Today consider asking God to help you cultivate this skill. You can do it. It’s a doable and reasonable process!

I’d love to hear from you. What has helped you develop balance and maintain equilibrium? What frustrates you about all this?

Make room for your fibromyalgia. I read this simple statement soon after being diagnosed with “fibro” as some people call it. It peeved me immensely! I didn’t want to make room in my busy and active life for this.

Besides, I had doctors and loved ones who looked at me with a raised eyebrow when I mentioned fibromyalgia. One physician actually pointed to his head moving his finger in circles and then pointed at me in an attempt to let me know he thought I was indeed CRAZY! (He was forced into retirement two months later, so maybe he was the unstable one, but I digress!)

So I just kept going as usual with little nod to this new diagnosis. I traveled to Arizona from my home in Minnesota to do my LifePlan with Carol Travilla (we later co-authored The Intentional Woman workbook together.) Soon we discovered I didn’t have the mental, emotional, or physical strength to complete the process. We decided that my next reasonable step was to STOP and “make room for my fibromyalgia.” That was a long time ago: 1996 to be exact.

I don’t talk or write about it much. I really don’t like to. I’m not an expert on FMS. Sometimes I think there’s little info available anyway, so there’s not much to discuss. I’m aware that each person who deals with fibromyalgia has unique experiences and needs. My story is not like yours. I don’t pretend that it is.

Yet yesterday when I got a direct message on Twitter from yet another creative and goal-oriented woman who deals with fibromyalgia, something clicked inside me and I said, “Okay, Joan, blog about it.” So at the risk of sounding overly-simplistic (I know there is much more to this subject!) I add my two-cents here.

TEN ways I helped myself manage my life with fibromyalgia:

1. By asking for and getting support, information and education. I called around and found a Fibromyalgia Center at a hospital in Minneapolis, talked to insurance, signed up and went to classes that included P.T, O.T., water exercises, lifestyle change suggestions, medical help and more.
2. By taking the medication that was suggested. I tried different dosages and types. I’ve denied, ignored, discounted that it helps, but it does. I’m now on the lowest dose and grateful for it.
3. By starting water exercises. This was a BIG one for me because I don’t like water–or swimming. It gives me claustrophobia. I won’t even let the water in the shower flow on my face. At first I worked with a noodle to stay afloat and jog in the pool. For the last 12 years I’ve used an Aqua-Belt.
4. By walking around the neighborhood. I’ve never really enjoyed athletics or exercise. (I know some of you love it and I’m impressed!) This is something I make an intentional choice to do. My body doesn’t feel like it, but once I do it consistently I can feel a positive difference.
5. By discovering the reasons I didn’t have restorative sleep. Some studies show that poor sleep is one of the reasons people develop FMS. (There’s no way for the muscles to be replenished.) I found out I have sleep apnea, so I now use a CPAP machine and it has changed my life. (I no longer fall asleep at my desk, during meetings or in the car.)
6. By taking yoga classes and learning to breathe more deeply.  This is a rather long story. I have written about my “breathing” experiences in my books and in The Intentional Woman group messages on Facebook. Rest assured that I do focus on my Creator and Savior while doing yoga and breathing.
7. By balancing my hormones and taking supplements when needed. I went to a Hormone Specialist (Yes, I paid the extra $70 for the appointment that insurance wouldn’t cover!) and I’m taking bio-identical hormones (not synthetic) dispensed by a Compounded Pharmacist who works with my medical doctor. Right now, I also take Fish Oil every day. There are other supplements that have helped me in the past.
8. By learning how to do specific stretches, enjoying occasional gentle massages and soaking in the whirlpool Jacuzzi.
9. By making lifestyle changes. This has been a HUGE step toward emotional, mental, spiritual and physical healing for me. I addressed my workaholic tendencies, practiced saying “no” as well as saying “yes”, started asking for what I need/desire, taking breaks and much more.
10. By relaxing my urge to try too hard to make it all just right. This step has and is releasing me to freedom. It’s become a life theme for me–and a part of my mission from God. In my life coaching, speaking, mentoring and writing I’ve noticed an epidemic of “trying too hard to make it all just right” among Christians. People need relief and grace. That’s why I wrote the books, The Relief of Imperfection and It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.

There you have it. 10 Ways that I helped myself manage my fibro. (There are more, but that’s all for now. This blog is already longer than usual.)

So I’m wondering: How have you helped yourself with your pain, tension and discomfort? In what ways are you releasing yourself to freedom?

What keeps you from doing blog entries, Joan? I wrote out-of-seemingly-nowhere this morning while journaling.

Logical question really, since it’s been 5 weeks and 3 days since I’ve blogged–on either blog: http://www.reliefofimperfection.blogspot.com or http://joancwebb.blogspot.com. Yikes! What is that about??

Well, probably it has to do with several things. But. . . in my journal earlier today, I spontaneously wrote: Hmmm. I’m afraid it will be ‘lame’–not good enough. Well, that’s a kick, huh? Good enough is okay, JC.

That is a hoot, since I’m the one who writes, speaks, coaches and lives to encourage others–and myself–to embrace the “relief of imperfection”, thus reducing procrastination. . . and so on and so on. You know how it is. Well, do you?

Anyway here goes. Even before I get all this social networking, blogging, internet marketing, online communication figured out (which I am working on and one of the other reasons I’ve not blogged!) I’ll go ahead and blog–imperfectly.

First, I’ll start with a little follow-up on my last blog (on March 10, 2009!). I had a great time at the Christian Book Expo in Dallas on March 20-22, even though the attendance was lower than expected. It was incredibly well-done. Professional. Great workshops. Absolutely superb nightly worship services. Good interaction with all that were there. Wonderful Christian Book Awards dinner. Here’s a few pix that help me remember the good times:
I autographed copies of my book, The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right, and 99% of the women who stopped by said, “Oh, that’s me. Honestly.” And then they shared some of their stories with me. I loved it! One woman I met wore a sweater that “perfectly” matched the book cover. We had our photo taken together. As she walked away, I said, “Watch my blog. Your picture will probably show up on it.” And then it took me weeks to upload her lovely photo. I wished I remembered her name.

Chris Simms from Regal Books managed the booth and it was great to get to know him a little. Saw pix of his lovely family, heard stories about life on the road introducing and selling “books” and learned from his wise suggestions.

Loved spending time with author Vicki Kuyper. She’s a friend and colleague who is full of fun and authenticity–and a really good writer! And she happens to be from Arizona, too. I attended her workshop where she shared about her philosophy that “God is a Slippery Fish.” Vicki has written over 40 books. Her latest two are from New Hope Publishers: Breaking the Surface and Wonderlust.

I also attended a workshop by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, authors of the incredibly popular books, For Men Only and For Women Only. Fun to listen to their stories and fascinating research about the differences between males and females.

Well, that wasn’t so bad for my first “good enough” blog in 5 1/2 weeks! If I were chatting with a life coaching client I’d say, “Congrats! Now keep going. You can do it!”

It’s Friday! Hope you have a great weekend.

I wanted to let all my Arizona friends know about this upcoming Relief of Imperfection opportunity coming on Saturday, October 4 in San Manuel, AZ southeast of Chandler. It’s a One-Day Retreat sponsored by Tri-Community Churches. It’s FREE–and you’re invited. It’s at the First Baptist Church San Manuel. Call Jan at 520-490-1998 for info and to register.

Enjoy meaningful alone time, fun interactive chats, poignant story-telling, and biblical insights, as well as give-aways throughout the relief-producing day on October 4 at First Baptist Church San Manuel, AZ at the corner of First Avenue and Nickols in San Manuel. For info and registration about this free retreat, call Jan at 520-490-1998.

The retreat is a reader’s digest version of my new book, The Relief of Imperfection. Trying-too-hard-to-make-it-all-just-right (yes, it’s a type of perfectionism!) has many faces, includes all personality styles, and cuts across cultural lines. It has to do with unreasonable expectations–how we belittle ourselves and others for having human (we translate that word as weak) thoughts and emotions, inconsistent faith or less-than-excellent plans, accomplishments, families, bodies or dreams. Yet we who sometimes get worn-out “trying too hard” can learn the exciting adventure of learning to relax and realize that everything doesn’t need to be so difficult and that some things can actually be easy, fun and smile-able. What a relief!

I’ve love to see you there.