Grieving Loss

“To grieve we must:
1. Feel and express the feeling of loss
2. Gain understanding of the significance of the loss
3. Commemorate the loss.”

Yesterday I read these words while working through the Mending the Soul workbook by Celestia and Steven Tracy. This statement reminded me of the message in the “Accepting Your Feelings” section of the chapter titled “The Relief of Imperfect Emotions, Minds and Bodies” in my book, The Relief of Imperfection.

Minimizing

Grieving loss (lost loved one, dream, job, house, marriage–or the loss related to moving, changing careers/churches, learning you have a long-term illness or dealing with past abuse) is usually deeper than we first acknowledge.

It is more than merely admitting, “It is what it is.” Often when we say that (aloud or silently) we minimize or even discount our pain–and the wounds. Sadly this can work to block further growth, healing and intimacy.

Gaining Meaning

We can allow ourselves to grieve AND integrate the loss. Then perhaps eventually we will be able to say like Joseph did, “You planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good, as you see all around you right now–life for many people.” (Genesis 50: 20-21)

How has loss impacted you?

Tired And Wanting God: I had a deeply imbedded desire which I held carefully in my heart. Sometimes I felt alone with this longing. (Perhaps because as an introvert I didn’t verbalize my dreams much, if at all.) My desire? To know God—to really know Him.

I wondered how to pursue my desire when as a young mother, I felt so tired. Physically tired from running after a spirited three-year-old girl during the day and waking up six to seven times each night with a darling, but restless little boy with chronic ear infections. Emotionally wiped-out from dealing with people’s demands and my church commitments as a pastor’s wife, Sunday School teacher and children’s choir director. Spiritually drained from giving out without much input, and relationally starved due to lack of time and energy for cultivating friendships. (I ran a part-time daycare in my home plus another small business.) About that same time, I began writing a children’s book. I so enjoyed all these blessings, yet what I really wanted was to fulfill my desire. (And I wanted to do it right—whatever that meant!)

Simple Request: “Help, Lord,” I whispered.

God heard and moved mountains just for me. Well, not exactly and not immediately, but several years later, He moved our family through the mountains from Visalia, California to Shawnee Mission, Kansas. And up from my deeply planted desire grew a tiny sprout. God seemed to say, “See this seedling, Joan? Its name is Prayer. Nourish it. Water it. Watch it grow. This is the way to know Me.”

Simple Act: Setting the alarm a few minutes earlier than usual, I planned to spend those moments alone with God. I purchased a small yellow notepad and wrote the word P-R-A-Y-E-R at the top of the first page. On the notepad, I listed my family’s names. Under each name I wrote one or two words describing my prayer request for that person.

Imperfect AND Rewarding Results: My prayer time didn’t always work the way I envisioned it would. Sometimes (well, quite often) the children awakened before my alarm sounded. Surprisingly, I learned to have my alone times with them running circles around my chair. What happened during these imperfect God-meetings astonished me.

More later. . .

(This personal story is adapted from The Relief of Imperfection.)

“To love life is to love time. Time is the stuff life is made of.” This quote from Benjamin Franklin intrigues me. Living in harmony with time. Agreeing not to compete against time. Becoming friends with time. What a relief-filled possibility!

A colleague surprised me recently when she said, “I’m in the process of changing my philosophy about time and work—and beginning to think that maybe fulfillment and success are not found in keeping my nose to the grindstone every minute. I’ve decided to try to be a bit easier on myself—to take breaks, to pause and talk with fellow workers and to rest when appropriate. However, I admit I feel extremely uncomfortable about this. Am I doing the right thing?”

Perhaps God allows finite human beings (that’s you and me!) to live within the confines of time to protect us from anxiety overload and burnout. Changing our concept of time as a slave driver or tyrant (or wet blanket) to that of a friend may help us become more peaceful and content. Wouldn’t that be a refreshing way to live?

And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again (Phil. 1:6, NLT).

Lord,
Thanks for the safety of time limitations.
Keep reminding me that no is not a naughty word.
I let go of my need to do everything and serve everyone.
I’m trusting that You’ll finish in me what You’ve started.

I wrote the above message about TIME several years ago (it appears on page 141 of The Relief of Imperfection.) And I journaled about this personal “aha” several years before that. When I read it again today, it felt new. Just another reminder that I’m on an ongoing journey of life as a “recovering” workaholic (or action-addict or  over-doer, whatever you want to call it!)

What about you? How do you feel about TIME?

I’m Not Crazy

Overwork makes for restless sleep. Ecclesiastes 5:3, THE MESSAGE

Am I making too much of culture’s bigger-better-more-faster craze? I didn’t think so, but I wanted verification. “The world is now producing nearly two exabytes of new and unique information per year,” writes Kevin A. Miller, author of Surviving Information Overload. “Don’t feel bad if you don’t know what an exabyte is. No one does. It’s a new term, one they had to coin for a billion gigabytes.” Miller maintains that “there are 260,000 billboards, 11,520 newspapers, 11,556 periodicals, 27,000 video outlets, 40,000 new book titles, and 60,000,000,000 pieces of junk mail every year” for us to choose from, read, compare, manage and heed.¹

An emergent group of “information environmentalists” states that their objective is to reclaim mental respite from the constant barrage of cell phones, personal digital assistants, instant messaging, email, specialized cable channels and massive amounts of news, entertainment and sales pitches.² “It feels to me that as a result of the high speed at which we’re operating . . . we’re kind of numbing ourselves. Just trying to get by,” says Dr. David Levy, professor at University of Washington’s Information School and researcher at a think-tank that created the personal computer and laser printer.³

So I’m not crazy when I get the gut-sickening sensation that I’ll never catch up! I won’t. Nobody can. Thus, begone unnecessary guilt! I’m headed for fewer sleepless nights, trying to figure out how to get it all done.

Lord, I can’t maneuver through this over-the-top mania alone. We’re a team and I’m grateful. That’s enough for me today.

What’s your take on this information? Do you ever feel like you’ll never get it all done?

[Adapted from It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.] http://tinyurl.com/DevoBook

It’s the 4th of July 2010. This morning while browsing through a magazine, I found and read the first part of our country’s Declaration of Independence. It struck a chord in my mind and heart like never before. I don’t know why this holiday more than others. I lived through a lot of Independence Day celebrations. 

I’m grateful beyond words for the Founding Fathers’ sacrifices. I cherish the freedom I enjoy in every area of my life. And I’m fascinated the DOI’s phrase: “That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Here’s what I read this morning. It’s worth reading again–and again.

The Unanimous Declaration of the Thirteen United States of America

(Adopted by Congress on July 4, 1776)

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitles them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly, all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government and to provide new guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of governments. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these States. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

Relationship Tip from the Proverbs

Have you ever tried to cut a friend’s hair with styling scissors that had dull blades? Or slice through a piece of steak with an unsharpened knife? It’s frustrating and the results are less than satisfying. Yet when you rub the dull blade against a separate piece of iron, it works better. Likewise, when you interact with a good friend, sharing honest feedback, encouraging one another’s growth, you each become wiser. How rewarding is that?

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend,” Proverbs 27:17 NLT

This is a snippet from my latest book, Everyday Wisdom. It’s from Barbour Publishing’s gift book series called “Spiritual Refreshment for Women.”And makes a great birthday, hostess, or “get well” gift.

What rewarding wisdom nugget have you gained from reading the Proverbs?

Life Coaches Don’t Have the Answers

A key to effective Life Coaching is this: Coaching clients (I like to call them coachees or partners) have the answers or they can find the answers. I firmly believe that people have their own answers, solutions and next steps inside them. They may not think they do. In fact, they may want someone else to tell them what to do. Often people have an internal bully that repeats lies such as “You don’t have a clue!” or “You’ll never figure this out.” or even “God is disappointed in you.”

Yet when Life Coaches ask powerful questions and help their clients discover who God created them to be and what they really want, then the clients invariably become more resourceful, effective, intentional and committed–not to mention the fact that they’re usually more satisfied when they find their own solutions.

My First Coachee

Lori* (my first coaching client 13 years ago) told me that she didn’t want to die with all her papers, talks, research, and Bible studies piled in files around her. She dreamed of teaching the Bible to women who wouldn’t otherwise hear God’s word. But she felt stuck. Every previous attempt seemed to hit a dead end.

We designed our coaching partnership based on her goals and dreams. With her permission I asked questions, we worked together and she found her own answers. Answers that were inside her, but buried deep. Still she worried that she’d appear selfish if she didn’t take care of everyone else.

Aha!

Then one day as we were coaching about her current dilemma, she had an “aha”. She had believed she needed to take the family’s elderly dog to their upcoming family reunion, but she really didn’t want that responsibility. She thought her young adult children would be mad at her if she didn’t.

While we brainstormed options, a light bulb flashed on in her head. “Hey, I could board the dog.” She did and no one got angry and she became free. From that day forward her motto was “Board the Dog!” She moved beyond her people-pleasing and fixing ways and in the process gained the time and energy to do what God gifted her to do. She started a radio program, doing 5 minute chats explaining the relevancy of God’s Word to everyday life. She touched thousands of women’s lives with the rich material she had stored in those files. Lori will not die with all those Bible Studies crumpled around her.

What’s your “board the dog” aha today?

*Name changed

Early one morning as a man walked along the beach, he saw an unusual scene. Thousands of starfish that had washed up on shore were dying in the sun. In the distance he noticed a young woman picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean, one at a time. When he came close enough to her to be heard above the waves he said, “You’re wasting your time. There are thousands of starfish along this beach front. You can’t possibly make a difference.”

She reached down, picked up a starfish, and gently threw it as far as she could, back into the sea. “I made a significant difference to that one, didn’t I?” as she reached down to pick up another.

That’s how I feel about being a Life Coach. Coaching works. One person at a time. One changed life at a time.  In 1998, I traveled from St. Paul, Minnesota to visit my married daughter in Chicago, Illinois. One evening, so she didn’t have to alter her plans, I agreed to go with her to a meeting of small business owners.

That night the speaker was a Personal and Professional Life coach. She talked about how life coaching helps people to live more effective and joyful lives. She discussed how people sabotage themselves and stay stuck.
Then she asked us all several questions:

1. What is the benefit in not knowing about your sabotaging methods?
2. How do your “but, but, but” responses protect you–and from what?
3. What is the next most important step you need to take?
4. Are the excuses you tell yourself (and others) true?
5. And when one of the people in the group responded to a question with “I don’t know” she said, “What would your answer be if you did know.

I was fascinated. It’s like a voice inside me whispered, “This fits you, Joan.” While sitting there that day, I remembered the on-purpose statement God and I had been working on: I, Joan C. Webb, empowered by my growing friendship with the Triune God, help set people free.”

Soon after that serendipity meeting, I took coaches training and started with one client (I call each client a “coaching partner.”) Twelve years and hundreds of coaching hours later, I remain amazed about how the coaching process works. Life Coaching is a professional relationship that enhances the coachee’s ability to effectively focus on learning, making changes, achieving results and experiencing fulfillment–as the person God created him/her to be.

Have any of you experienced working with a Life Coach? What was it like for you?

Perhaps I’ll write more about the rewards of life coaching later.